What Does Depression Mean To You?
I feel like depression has different cycles, some are a bit more difficult than others. I feel like the more we fight our emotions the more difficult it is to process them. I feel like I have always suffered from depression, looking back even when I was a kid, I would have days in which I would hide out in my room all day. I had my first really strong depression spell my freshmen year in college, my father and I were no longer speaking and I felt very alone, at first it was my appetite, then I stopped enjoying things I normally did and before I knew it all I did was sleep all day. A year or so later I was back in the dark blue waters of depression and this time my mom would have to beg me and often drag me into the shower.
I’m in a place now in life where those dark blue waters are not as deep and I hang out on the shallow spectrum. I still very much cry and sometimes feel like staying in bed doing nothing but then I realize that I am still here and that counts for something.
How Did You Overcome Depression And/or Self Harm?
A few years ago, I had started a new way of living, a more holistic one but deep down I was still using self harm as a way to cope during stressful situations. I felt like I was a fraud, I was telling everyone who would listen the healing powers of food and a healthy active lifestyle. I had yet to start the blog, it wasn’t even on my radar. I just a blog where I would vent about life but nothing like FOP. I was sick again and I couldn’t understand why I kept getting sick and I realized that I was still fighting my emotions, I wasn’t processing them and letting them be. So I started to really get the help I needed and really accept that emotions are normal, they are special and we should be more gracious towards them. It is an ongoing battle, even today I had to remind myself that I was still here breathing and living so I needed to make the most of my day. The need to live, and make my life worth something and just give thanks to the universe for letting me be here one more day.
What Advice Would You Give Someone That Is Battling With Depression And/or Self-Harm?
Remember you are worthy. You are beautiful and if you woke up today it has to be because there is a purpose for you on this beautiful planet. Hold on to that positive thought. Start each morning with something positive it will start your day in such a more positive mood.
What Do You Believe Are Some Problems That The Media Brings To Females That Battle With Depression And/or Self Harm?
I feel like sometimes the jokes that are made make light of the situation when in reality it is very real and very important. I also feel like the media has made a connection between dark colors with depression and sometimes if you wear all black you are labeled. The labels that society has brought into life are making depression, self harm and mental health in general more of a taboo, something to be ashamed off. This shouldn’t be the case. It doesn’t make you less than the person next to you or different we all have our own demons, some are different than others, mine can be depression, your can be food, the perfect next to us can be finances or stress. Whatever it is, we all have our own problems, and just because they are different doesn’t mean we should look at that person in different light.
When I was little my dad would often poke fun at me for being different, I didn’t like to play outside with the rest of the kids, I liked to bake and make recipes. I had the time of my life going on walks rather than hitting a ball up and down the field.
He often made me feel like I wouldn’t be accepted unless I liked to do the same thing the other kids did. While I had friends, he always made me second guess myself. I started to develop a lot earlier than most of the girls my age, my boons appeared when I was 11 and I got my period right along the same time. I was taller, than most of the boys. My insecurities definitely peaked out. As I got older he would make an emphasis on not gaining weight, on being super skinny and how that would be the only way I would be able to make friends. It was already hard enough that I had to get bigger shirts since I was 12 with a C cup. When we moved away from South Florida to Panama I was angry, I was 14 and my mom moved us to another country, again. I fought with my mom constantly and tried my hardest to not like Panama, when I went back to visit my dad for the first time since our move, he thought that I was miserable because I was heavier than the other girls in my class. That wasn’t the case, I just didn’t want to like anyone, I didn’t want to like Panama but I couldn’t share that with anyone. My journey with anorexia took a new heavy energy when I thought that if I ate less and less my dad would finally accept me. Not eating wasn’t enough and soon I was in a battle with anorexia and bulimia along with cutting. I needed a way to release all the emotions I had, the anger towards my dad and my mom. Not wanting to be in Panama, the perfectionist in me, my need to please my dad and finally have his acceptance. My aunt also had a very strange relationship with food and that didn’t help the situation. This continued way into my early twenties when I finally asked for the proper help, I gave treatment and actual chance. I gave myself a chance for the first time.
It is an ongoing journey and one that I will forever walk in, because I am worth it. Life is worth it and beautiful.